[This article contains a frank conversation about intimacy in marriage. Please read this only if you are mature enough to handle such things, and if such offend you, please refrain from reading. Thank you!]
So you have been married for a few month/years and the newness of intimacy wears off. You want to try something new, but you don’t know what, and you aren’t really sure if you should try anything new. Now what? Opening up Cosmopolitan isn’t really your best option. Cosmo has no moral compass, and you will likely see things you didn’t want to see… but then, you don’t really know where else to go.
You know that God wants you to enjoy the sexual aspect of your marriage, but sometimes it gets confusing because the world says sexual things are “naughty,” and that’s something you just don’t want to be…
So what’s a good girl to do?
First of all, remember:
- Anything that you both enjoy is okay. Remember that you as a couple are different from any other couple. I can give you some general pointers, but you are going to have to work out what you both enjoy. My husband will not enjoy all the same things as your husband, and visa versa. You have to learn how to look after your own husband, and he has to learn to look after you. Try new things, if they work, great – if they don’t, laugh it off and try again.
- Anything that brings someone or something else (whether virtually, mentally, or in the flesh) into the bedroom apart from your husband is not okay. Bringing in toys that give you pleasure apart from your spouse, self-love (masturbation), pornography, or fantasies (that aren’t about your husband) to the bedroom are going to pull you further away from your spouse, rather than closer to. Use only your own two bodies to bring each other satisfaction.
- Anything that hurts one of you is not okay. If it hurts, find something else to do.
Below are some practical ways to change or spice things up in the bedroom with your husband. Remember, when it is between you and your spouse it is not naughty, it’s just nice. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but hopefully it will give you some general ideas!
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25).
Some Practical (and Tasteful) Ways Wives Can Spice It Up In the Bedroom
Talk About Your Desires
If there is something that you would like your husband to try that is a bit different or unconventional, let him know – and encourage him to do the same with you. Your communication regarding sex should be open and honest. If either of you feel uncomfortable with it, don’t do it – but commit to trying something your partner would like. If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again – but you may just find something new that you both love.
Dress Up
Men are excited visually, so dressing up is a great way to get their attention. It also makes you feel sexy (which you are allowed to feel in the marriage bed!), which is important to you having a good time and being relaxed in the bedroom. Slip on some lingerie or “play wear” that you feel good in, and that you know your husband will like. You, after all, know him better than anyone else!
Thrifty tip: If you don’t have money to buy expensive lingerie, go get a cute skimpy top and a mini skirt or booty shorts from the thrift store. Seriously, you can get some seriously cute things second hand – and he won’t be able to tell the difference. I buy everything from the thrift store (TMI, I know!). Since you don’t wear those things around and out and about there’s no point spending a tonne of money on them – and he’ll think they’re great!
Make Your Bedroom into a Boudoir
Make your bedroom a place that feels romantic. Put some effort into making the room look nice. Have music and candles or dim lighting all readily available for when you want to put in that extra bit of effort to impress. Music can set the mood and block out outside noises, while candles and dim lighting are very flattering to our bodies. Let’s face it, we all want to appear attractive and be distraction free, right?
Another tip would be also to have towels, lubricant, and anything else you might want to use when the occasion calls for it beside your bedhead – in your bedside drawers if you have them. It can ruin a moment if you have to get up and get something in the middle of what you are doing.
Try Something New
Whether it’s a new position, a different time of the day, a new part of the house (obviously, lock the door if you have little ones!), a different place in the bedroom, or a different flavoured/scented lube – trying something new. Even if it is small it can drastically enhance the experience.
For different position ideas, check out the iKamasutra sex position app. It’s got no pornographic images, only cartoon-ish drawings to show you new positions to try.
Things that you know you enjoy are nice, but it is refreshing to try something new. Solomon and the Shulamite recognised this:
“The mandrakes give forth fragrance, and beside our doors are all choice fruits, new as well as old, which I have laid up for you, O my beloved” (Song of Solomon 7:13).
Send A Sext
Send a small message to your husband throughout the day – either through text, or by a note in his lunch box (if that makes you feel more comfortable. Use coded language that only you and your husband understand, if you wish. Make a promise and keep it. Tell him how sexy and attractive you think he is. Tell him how much you enjoyed last night. Remember, sex starts at breakfast – the more time you give yourself to think about it and ready yourself for it, the more pleasurable it will be. It’s the little things that will strengthen your intimacy and keep your relationship strong.
“Let us get up early to the vineyards; Let us see whether the vine hath budded, And its blossom is open, And the pomegranates are in flower: There will I give thee my love” (Song of Solomon 7:12).
Surprise Him
Your husband doesn’t always have to be the one to make things romantic. There are a number of different Pinterest boards and websites that can give you great ideas, but I like The Dating Divas myself. They have great ideas for sexual and non-sexual date nights, but all presented in a totally appropriate way. Check out the Show Him The Love and Intimate Moments archives for ideas. You are married. You can have fun and experiment as much as you like.
Express your sexual interest in your husband freely and initiate sex once in a while. He will appreciate it.
“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; Blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, And eat his precious fruits” (Song of Solomon 4:16)
Go on a Romantic Getaway
In my opinion this is best to be taken alone. Without the children. Solomon and the Shulamite knew what they were about:
“Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; Let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; Let us see whether the vine hath budded, And its blossom is open, And the pomegranates are in flower: There will I give thee my love.”
(Song of Solomon 7:11, 12).
Remember that your husband was your friend and companion that you committed yourself to first before children. Cultivate and cherish that relationship any way you can. If you can’t afford to go away, have a “stay-cation.” These are so much fun and so relaxing because there aren’t any heavy suitcases to lug around or any long flights. Book a few nights at a nice hotel not too far away and spend the time relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. We have a little tradition where we splurge on a night in a nice hotel every birthday and anniversary.
When you go, take a new little outfit or something. Plan very little else apart from relaxing. Make it a time for you both to remember – and not just for the amazing breakfast buffet.
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Other Great Tasteful Resources:
29 Days to Great Sex | To Love, Honour, and Vacuum
20 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage After Kids | She Knows
The Dating Divas | This is a great and very tasteful site with date ideas – both sexual and non-sexual.
18 Simple Tips to Spice Up Your Marriage | The Better Mom
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Do you have any other tasteful ideas or resources? Please share them with us in the comments below!
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Other Articles in the Series:
About the Blushing Bride Series | An outline of the topics I am intending on discussing.
Six Lies the World Tells You about Men and Sex
What Biblical Submission Looks Like in the Bedroom | A look at the harmony between submission and intimacy
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{Linked to Thriving Thursday, Hearts for Home}
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